the art of leaving [Ruby]

[N]

Domestic – it's an odd word to associate with a cave, but the cave has become a sort of home, so that must be what this is: domesticity. The two boys share a quiet life. Touching on the world without touching on the pain of it, both knowing that there are some things that are best left unsaid. They do not speak of fire again, do not ask what the nightmares mean. They don't need to.

N finds that he isn't very good at cooking. He prefers nuts and berries to charred meats and steamed vegetables, but he's learning, and Ruby doesn't seem to mind.

Ruby, on the other hand, seems to be able to make soup out of nothing at all, like a wizard drawing upon unknowable magicks. N never ceases to be astounded by his ingenuity, though he never mentions it. He merely stares intently at the pot, as though trying to figure out all the subtle secrets of flavors, and how celery, and meat, and spice go together.

There's an odd sort of camaraderie between them, a comfortable silence sometimes filled with chatter about the day, or the weather, or one of their pokemon, or a hundred of the other things that don't actually to matter. It's better that way. Safe.

It's been almost three weeks now, and they've have come to understand each other...sometimes. It's more than N dared hope for, but he knows that it cannot last. You can't stay here forever. It's time to move on.

He doesn't have much to carry with him, just his friends and the clothes on his back. It hasn't occurred to him to find food of his own since he started sharing with Ruby. Anything that he brings back is split down the middle, and sometimes it seems better that way - having someone to provide for. But now he realizes that he should have stored some of it away for the journey ahead, that he should have known that this was inevitable. The tug of fate wants to draw him away from this place. And, if he's being honest with himself, he's worried. Has been for almost a week now. He knows that if he stays here much longer, Ruby will learn who he is, if he hasn't already... They must be looking for me by now.

Indecision gnaws at him, turning his stomach to knots. It has grown late. Every time he starts to move, he thinks better of it, worries that he'll wake Ruby and find himself in need of an explanation, something that isn't “I can't,” or “I don't belong here,” or “I'm sorry,” because those aren't really explanations in the end. When he does finally drum up the courage to move, he signals to Ember, and the chimchar climbs up his back without hesitation, hooking her arms around his neck. Once she settles in, she nuzzles the back of his neck fondly. She knows. Of course she does. His pokemon have grown close to Ruby's over the past few weeks. They're friends in earnest now, and this parting will be a sad one for them as well, even without the pain of having to say goodbye.

He should say goodbye, but he's never been any good at goodbyes. It never occurs to him that nobody is good at goodbyes. He just thinks of it as one more thing that separates him from everyone else.

His movements are slow, uncertain at first, until he reaches the mouth of the cave. It is time. He glances back at the other boy's sleeping form, little more than a dim silhouette now. I'm sorry. You deserve better. There's no note, no final farewell, no moment of revelation, just a sad half smile, half grimace, and tears that never fall.

[RUBY]

Ruby knew N was going to leave at some point, because no matter how good things are- they always come to an end, and this ending was slightly overdue. Sure, Ruby would miss having someone to talk to...someone to eat dinner with, but N had important matters to attend to. They had never actually spoken about such work, but it was relatively clear that N came to him while he was on his way to do something that was necessary for him. And that's probably one of the reasons he had decided to stay here with Ruby- to avoid all of those awful demands in the real world. There were no demands here. You were free to come and go. Honestly, you didn't even have to help cook or gather food, N was just very kind and did it anyway.

But although these thoughts were crammed at the back of Ruby's mind, he had no idea that his new friend N would be leaving tonight, without telling him. He was wrapped up in a blanket, eyes closed loosely. He wouldn't have wanted to miss saying goodbye to N, but the green haired boy was leaving in the middle of the night, a time where Ruby wouldn't be able to catch him in the act. Unless a little Chimchar is leaving with N. And of course, Ember is leaving too. But she's practically a baby, too reckless to realize she stepped right on Ruby's arm as she crawled over to her trainer. Sure, she's not very heavy, but it's enough to get Ruby conscious.

So his eyes open to see his companion, his partner, his friend N standing in the entrance of the cave, looking back. It's a stinging view, and Ruby just waits for a moment. He'll come back and say goodbye. Ruby is important enough for that. But N never comes back and shakes him awake. He turns to leave, and: "N!" A half yell as Ruby yawns and rubs his eyes. "What are you doing?" He's still sort of groggy.

CODED BY ELECTRIC OF GS

[N]

N takes a single step beyond the mouth of the cave and freezes.

"N" The frantic note in Ruby's voice takes him like a punch. He should have known. He should have said something, should have, should have...what, exactly? He trembles, torn between running off into the night and turning to face his friend.

Are we friends now? He want desperately to say no. That would make it easier. Yes. It's a hard truth.

N turns, gazes back at Ruby with watery eyes, and forces a smile, glad that other boy isn't close enough to see the tears threatening to fall. Friends. "I'm just..." he hesitates and blinks to clear his eyes, "going to get some more wood for the fire." It's a lie, but not a bad one, as lies go. The fire is burning low, and they're nearly out of wood.

It's easier this way. He tries to pretend that the little quaver in his voice hasn't given him away, hopes that Ruby will understand and accept the lie. N needs him to accept the lie, but he can't say that, because that would break the illusion, so he keeps on going and hopes against hope.

"I'll be back before you know it." Believe me.

"Get some sleep." And when his voice wavers for the second time, pretend to believe me.

[RUBY]

Yes, they were friends. Unlike N, Ruby had no trouble admitting such a thing. Was friendship bad? Not at all- it was warm. Fuzzy. Something you could hold on to when you were alone, something you could create out of thin air just by speaking to someone, just by trusting them. Ruby certainly considered N a friend by now, but he could only hope that the other boy considered him to be the same. Maybe N felt the same way about friendship. If Ruby was lucky, he probably thought friendship was warm and fuzzy too.

But was it really always like that? Sure, it brought good feeling most of the time- but sometimes, every once in a while, it was the worst burden in the world. Alyssa was a friend, and Ruby had left her all alone, with the burden of finding him, worrying about him, and everything in between. Friendship could also be tragic. When you love someone so, so much, that you lose a piece of yourself whenever they're gone. And when they finally leave you forever- there's a little part of you that wilts inside; a part that rots to bits if no one tries to save it. But maybe that really wasn't friendship. Friendship is light and fluffy, therefore something so heavy and deep couldn't be described in words. Ruby's wilting feelings needed to be nurtured back to health, it seemed.

N had helped. N had helped for sure. Having someone to speak to- to communicate with real human words, was absolutely priceless in a world of refuge such as this. But all good things come to an end, even the sweetest things turn sour, and so on.

"No, I'm fine- I'm not really that tired anyway. I'll come with you." He hoists himself up, brushing off his pants and bouncing over to the cave's entrance.

CODED BY ELECTRIC OF GS

[N]

Guilt. It creeps in at the edges. It always does. Ever since that time...

Guilt, it's what he knows now. One of the only things that still makes sense, and he holds onto it with all that he is. Holds onto the pictures that he's made with it, the scenes that he's painted.

Guilt, every memory is tinged with it. Mental pictures - faces: theirs - his - theirs - his - nobody's. And the faceless ones, they call to him, accusing him. Why they say, why, why, why have you done this? And he doesn't want Ruby to become one of them.

Ruby...it'd taken the other boy almost a week to reveal his true name. Ruby - it fit him better than John. John was an ordinary name, heard one too many times in a crowd of faceless men, the kind that left N feeling strange and unnatural when he interacted with them. But Ruby...Ruby, a deep red, a fire burning too bright, it was a name that spoke of hardship, and bloodshed, and understanding, a kind of understanding that no one deserved to have. And Part of N hated and pitied him for it, as he hated and pitied himself in turns. What else was there besides hate, and pity, and the hollow feeling called regret that settled in his chest like a stone, pulling him down, down, down?

This. There was this. Understanding...and the absence of it. The moment when words run dry, when tears attempt to take their place, and you want nothing more than to run. N wants to run, but Ruby is awake now and standing, coming toward him. No. Don't. Please. You can't come with me. There's a bounce in the other boy's step, desperation disguised as eagerness, or does he truly not understand? He doesn't want to. He wants to be wrong about you. But he isn't.

"Alright." N turns away to keep Ruby from seeing his tears. He'll slip away when the other boy isn't looking, walk into the woods chatting about nothing in particular - it's easy when Ruby does most of the talking for him, as though he were born to tell all the stories of the world. And then they'll split up to cover more ground, and he'll slip into the night like a thief, and this too will stink of guilt, will bear it's mark.

You should have stayed asleep. "Alright, let's go." He wipes at his eyes with his sleeve, forces a smile, and gestures for Ruby to lead the way.

[RUBY]

When you are in someone's company often, you subconsciously learn many of their mannerisms. Of course, the longer you are with them, the more you can figure out about them. But Ruby had been around N long enough to know that he was acting quite odd.

N was always a little odd. He seemed conflicted inside- that was easily deciphered, but today, his entire self seemed to have a darker tone. It was clear: something was bothering him. A mistake. N must have to fix that mistake quickly. But if this was all true, and Ruby's new friend was leaving...he must say goodbye. He must. He's probably just waiting for the right moment, right? Yeah. N was too...good to make a mistake and not say goodbye. N was a good enough person to realize Ruby deserved that much.

But then N turned away. Do you really deserve as much as you think? Ruby stopped in his tracks, his mahogany eyes desperately looking for a sign- a sign that his friend was okay. This behavior was abnormal coming from N; completely unknown to Ruby. You don't know him at all, do you? Ruby's face morphed into a small frown, as he stepped closer to N, trying to peer around the back of his head. "N..?" A deep breath. "Are you okay, N?" Why would he tell you? He wouldn't, would he? He'd lie. He'd lie, he'd lie, he'd lie, and he'd lie some more. Then again, who wouldn't? No one will ever tell you the truth. You're too weak for the truth.

So Ruby swallows. Waits. N isn't going anywhere. Ruby won't let go.

CODED BY ELECTRIC OF GS

[N]

I'm...fine..." The lie doesn't come easily. They never do, because N isn't like the others, isn't like his 'father.' He wasn't born to deceive. He doesn't see it as an art form so much as a weakness. There's far more strength to be had in the truth. You mean the one that you can't bring yourself to face? But right now, the lie is all he has left, because the truth is, he has to hurt Ruby one way or the other, and he hates himself for that.

Does he tell Ruby that he has to leave? Does he say goodbye and shed his tears in full view, or does he slip into the forest as planned and shed them in private as he trudges on to his next temporary home? 

"I just had a bad dream." A nightmare. And now it's my reality.

In his dreams, he never has time to say goodbye. The people in his dreams always die before gets the chance, but tonight...tonight he has the chance. He should make good on it. He should take it.

Ruby is close now, trying to peer around him, trying to get a good look at his eyes, to read him like the lines on a map. N takes a step forward. Thinks better of it. Turns to face Ruby instead. He opens his mouth to say goodbye, and misses his chance. "Where should we go to get the wood? I think we exhausted the last spot."